Week 25: only 2 weeks until the marathon

I can’t believe it’s only two weeks until the marathon. I’m in a state of shock. I’m also under prepared.

Last night I did 13.3 miles then hobbled 2 as my right side seized up. Tight tight muscles. I don’t blame them really. The last 6 weeks have been a wash. I was in a good place, I got sick, got out of routine and struggled to get back. I know I can do a half marathon so I’ll just have to keep stretching throughout the run and get it done. The only goal I’m trying to achieve is getting to the marathon.

I’ve been told it’s better to be under prepared then injured but I wish I was more prepared. You can cram for running like you can for a test.

One thing this has done for me is help me understand that I need to keep exercise in my life. When I get stressed I let everything go - usually the first to go is exercising, then healthy eating and then communicating (including friends) I hermit. It doesn’t help at all! I cut off the things that support me, produce serotonin and make me feel good.

I also need to get out if my head that vacation and travel equals eating badly. 10 days in vacation mode and I gained 5 pounds and felt absolutely rubbish. That is not the way to go….

So this morning I’m back at my day job, feet firmly under my desk with a goal in mind. Exercise is important. Eating right is important. Taking care of myself is important. Being healthy and happy is so very important.

Still have a ways to go to get to my goal weight but it’s not the numbers that always matter. It’s the way you feel.

PS we’re only 430 pounds (around $700) to go to hit our goal of raising 4200 pounds for cancer research. Can you help us get there?? Http://justgiving.com/c242k

Week 20: more rest, more recovery

So it’s another week and my lungs still feel like lead weights. 6 miles didn’t come easy on Monday so sadly I agreed with Nicky that I need sleep and rest for this week and start back up next Tuesday with 10 miles.

Mentally I’m finding this difficult. I want to run, but I’m nervous too about not being able to breathe and my lungs hurting. I feel weak - and I wonder if it’s the illness lingering or me getting back out of shape. This infection sucks. I should’ve got meds right away and taken a couple days off instead of working through it. Yes. I’m not as invincible as I’d like to pretend I am.

I think that goes for elsewhere in my life. My default is “do-it yourself” but it’s not productive all the time. I need to ask for help, I need to be involved and I need to be responsive. When I get really stressed I hermit. And that doesn’t help me. Time passes and then I let myself and others down.

What I need to do is book me days in and do nothing but something for me. Go see that exhibit. Lose myself in the darkness of a film during a sunny afternoon. Find an overly large chair to curl up in and enjoy a book. Dip my feet in the ocean.

I also need to give myself back my creative time. I let my writing slip when I’m stressed and busy. I’ve booked in running but why not writing too? I need to remember not to let go of the things I love.

So running is on hold. Resting is number one on the agenda.

And amongst all the resting, a little planning for a fundraiser for my marathon. I’ve been bad about mentioning it but we have been raising money for a year and a half. Will you help us hit our target? Cancer Research is a cause that helps everyone so please give a little…

Http://justgiving.com/c242k

Week 19: crawling back

Damn. 3 weeks since my last blog post. I suck. Actually I was sick. Not only are you not up blogging, you’re actually not up for running either. Not a huge surprise there!

Soon after my longest run (and some 24 hour travel), I succumbed to a cold. Sinus infection making your teeth ache kinda cold. I kept wanting to get out there but I didn’t. I couldn’t.

What I did do was take lots and lots of medicine so I seemed ok but really felt a some kind of miserable, especially when I was alone.

10 days ago I thought I was well enough to get out there but could only attempt 4 miles. And it was miserable. Weak, shaky and snotty.

6 days ago, ran 4 miles in the am. It was OK. But I was wheezing and coughing.

4 days ago, I got shaky and lightheaded on a night out. Blood sugar dropped I assumed and I needed an orange juice and nuts to stop trembling.

3 days ago I turned an odd shade of green after a mile. Made it 3 before calling it.

So Nicky said I had to go to the doctor. I was pretty pissed off at my body. Not that anger at your body really helps matters.

Yesterday at the doctor I got scolded about not taking care of my asthma. As I’m an asthmatic, the cold seems to be resting in my lungs and running irritates them so it hurts to breathe and makes me feel of death.

She made me take deep breathes, put a thermometer under my tongue, and checked my blood pressure. Turns out I’m healthy other than the lingering cold. So healthy that my resting heart rate is 44. Yowzer.

Because it’s that low, I don’t have much of a buffer. My blood sugar drops and my body all goes out of wack. I used to get this when I was younger and lived in London. A time when I ate better and exercised more. A kind of behavior that recently returned to my life. So now I know what it was, and is, and that I must always carry snacks.

Take it easy, she told me. And fill you prescription.

Yesterday was 4.5 miles instead of 10. But we’ll add another 5 miles tomorrow. And try for 10 on Saturday.

My weeks have filled with numbers. How far, how fast, how many days til the next run, how many weeks til the marathon. Nicky and I joke that if someone was chasing us, we’d be able run away at a slow and steady pace. It’s something we’re getting good at.

Week 16: the longest run

On Monday, Nicky and I encountered the longest run yet. It’s nerve wracking knowing you’re going to just run for two and a half hours. Something inside you is saying “noooooo” but you also know 12 miles is not 26 so you got to get your ass out there and do it.

With the weather nearly 10 degrees cooler (with a splash or two of rain), I found it easier to find a faster pace. I have to be mindful of Nicky’s shorter legs as she did have to ask me to slow down a bit.

The first 6 miles we killed it and then had some water and gummies (sugar, salts and whatnot for runners) to gear us up for the next 6. My knee started to hurt about 9 miles in so we walked the hill (I find uphill to be difficult if I’m sore) and then not long after we decided to do 13 miles, my back began to ache.

Now I’ve had a bad back for a long time - car accidents and a sledding accident did me in really but it’s ok for the most part. The running though is showing it’s not quite ok. Though I discovered on Monday that it wasn’t the usual back issues I face. The major problem? My tight hips and hamstrings.

When Nicky had to stop and tie her shoe, I stretched my legs. Suddenly the back twinge was gone. My legs were the culprits! Curses!

So I’m going to have to do a few things the next 2 months so I don’t hurt myself/
1) Yoga and stretching
2) Weight Training
3) 2 other days of training to act as cross training.
4) Go to a sports therapist to analyze my gait.
5) Buy new trainers (they’ve already done 68 miles!)

Apparently the Nike app allows you to give challenges to friends so Marianne and I are going to give it a go. Maybe this will help me get my speed drills in…

I couldn’t have done it without you

Last and most important part of this post is here to thank Luke, Laura, my friends from around the world and especially Nicky for coming on this journey with me.

A year or so ago when I moved to New York, I’d never had expected to find friends willing to spend a entire night running with me. Who would come halfway across New York on Saturday morning to run in 100 degree heat. Who cheered me on every step of the way. Who said they were proud of me. Who were just amazing and lovely people. I knew they had to exist in New York, I just didn’t know I’d find them so fast.

And this is one example of this awesome support…As as we hit 11 miles of the run on Monday night, and my back was done, Nicky asked if I could make it to 12. Yes, I said through gritted teeth. She nodded, fumbled through her pocket and pulled out her phone.

Your mom’s Facebook post inspired this, she said.

A couple button presses later and “Eye of the Tiger” (also known to most as the Rocky song) came blasting out. Perfect. I was laughing and the two of us picked up the pace, singing along in the darkness of central park. We hit mile 12 as the song came to a triumphant end. We did it.

And I couldn’t have done it without all of you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Week 15: the plateau is broken!!

Thank fricken god it’s finally happened. 6 weeks of only 2 pounds of weight loss and boom. 4 pounds this week. So I’m now officially half way to my goal weight! Yay!

I think it helps that I’ve been running longer runs now. Hit 8 miles on Monday. It was the hardest run I’ve done yet. If it wasn’t for my friend Nicky, I don’t think I’d be able to pull it off. It’s crazy hot and feels like we’re running in a botanical garden. I may be sweating the weight out…

It’s funny. A friend of mine commented on the picture below which shows the changes in my body from the beginning until now. Just one side mind you.




He said, all I can see is that you have better posture and bigger boobs. The funny thing with bodies is that your shape doesn’t really change. I’m still going to have junk in the trunk no matter what size I am.

So I look the same shape but I’m shrinking. I’ve lost between 5-6 inches everywhere (except my arms). That’s hips, thighs, bust and waist! And now I’ve officially lost 30 pounds. That’s 30 sticks of butter people! Or, as the picture from Passion for Paleo shows, a whole table of fat :)



My boobs look bigger only because Hector (my affectionate name for my belly) is slowly disappearing and by the time I hit the marathon, I expect him to be well out of my life. Only 12 weeks to go! Just have to work even harder to get the next half of the weight off.

The most exciting thing about getting to the end will not only be about feeling fantastic and healthy but I’ll be able to get a whole new wardrobe. I’m already buttering up my friend Kim to take me shopping. She’s such a style guru that I can’t wait to see what she picks out for me. You’ll definitely be seeing a very new me this winter.

Weight training needs to be a bigger priority

It’s not that I don’t listen, it’s that I don’t do. Charlene has given me great advice about training and I’m just not doing it. But the more that I run the more that I realize I have to get my muscles even stronger.

The two places I need it most is my abs and my thighs. A strong core is SO important when running. In order to run tall without injury is to get those muscles wrapping around your spine working. If you don’t, you’ll start to lean forward with not only puts a strain on your back but your knees as well.

Nicky and I spot check each other when we’re running. I’ve started to imagine my shoulder blades trying to touch and my head floating up on an invisible string like I did in ballet. Much easier to do on mile 2 vs mile 8.

For me especially, I need to strengthen my thighs. Squats and lunges! I had surgery on my right knee after falling at work. I’ve been noticing on longer runs that my right leg is weaker and my right thigh muscles really tire out. My knee doesn’t hurt, it just all feels weak.

Standing tall

My posture is so much better. Yes. The running and great eating helps but I think it’s more than that.

I feel more like myself again. I walk into a room and I’m holding my head higher and giving it. I think I’ve always been confident but now I feel more free.

I think when you are in that good space you attract good people. We’ll see where that goes but all I can say is life is great right now and I have to thank all of you supporting me along the way.

Week 13 & 14: Feeling better in the skin that I'm in

So Independence Day (aka July 4th) completely threw me off and it’s like I went into a blogging black hole. It felt like Saturday. It was not.

This means this post covers week 13 and 14. I’m starting to feel more like myself. I’m not 100% there but I feel sleeker and healthier.

I think I may have lost 1/2 a pound but maybe not. I’m still hovering at the same weight this past 3-4 weeks. I’m not exercising everyday - maybe that’s why. 3 months in and I still haven’t found my rhythm. I think I just have to start and make myself do it for 30 days until the habit is set.

The not drinking part

I feel great not drinking. It’s fantastic. And my friends are awesome and don’t care if I drink or not. I’ll still go out and dance and have a great time, there’s just no booze in me.

A friend of a friend asked me to come out on Saturday night for another friend’s birthday. I was early, got myself a tonic and waited for him. He kinda shook his head at my instance of no alcohol.

Later when we were on a rooftop overlooking all of New York, he grabbed me a seltzer and a drink for us to share. He was disappointed and claimed it wasn’t fair. He’d get drunk and look stupid and I’d be sober. I shrugged. I’m ok with that but he obviously wasn’t.

I said good night well before the party was over (I still witnessed a bar top dancing serenade, flaming sparklers, unlimited bottle service and met a lovely midget doorman in a top hat) and took the excruciating 90 minute ride home on the NYC subway after midnight. He offered to drive me but 9 drinks in? I’m not getting into any car with someone who’s spent the night drinking whiskeys (or anything else).

I realize that I wasn’t as straight forward off the bat as I should have been. I said - oh I’m training tomorrow so I can’t and was all bashful like ‘I would if I could kinda thing.’ I should have said ‘I stopped drinking 3 months ago so I could get healthy again so I’m not drinking now but thank you for the offer.’

As long as I’m clear with my intentions, that’s all I can do really. Its just how sone people are but the good ones aren’t. I guess this is an easy way to see who I should hang out with.

Brunch with friends: Stone Park Cafe Vs Barking Dog

Last weekend I got the joy of brunching both Saturday and Sunday. Woohoo! But which was the better brunch joint?

Hitting 5th Avenue

As you may imagine, Park Slope is chalk full of brunch places and other eateries. After seeing a company class with the American Ballet at the Metropolitan Opera House, I headed back south to have brunch with my friend Casey.

We went to Stone Park Cafe, a place he always wanted to go to. As I seem to be eating a lot of omelets lately, I went for the poached egg on bluefish cakes with wilted spinach. Oh that yellowy goodness of the perfect poached egg. I gave my potatoes to Casey (who loved that idea) as I didn’t need them. The veggies were enough.

The waitresses and waiters were super friendly and kept our coffees regularly filled. Only downside was that we were sat next to a group of yummy mummies who brunch who’d had quite a few cocktails. Boy were they loud but that is the slope for you!. (Note to self: this makes me sound like an old curmudgeon. I don’t believe I am.)

Dogs, dogs and omelets

On Sunday I was due for a long awaited catchup with Elisabeth. We were meant to meet at noon at Penelope’s but it was rammed, an hour wait and I was stuck on the other side of the pride parade. I did get to see Mayor Bloomberg waving a flag in the parade so I’m glad I got stuck for a bit.

We settled on Barking Dog. As you may imagine, dogs are welcome to sit outside as their owners enjoy a meal and the whole interior is dogs, dogs, dogs. One of waitresses had a cat shirt on - definitely a place with a sense of humor.

Though everyone was nice it wasn’t anything more than a dog themed Denny’s. They mixed up my order so it had cheese in it (damn my allergies!) but they quickly replaced it and were nice enough to give me fruit salad instead of potatoes and biscuits.

Elisabeth had cream cheese and fruit stuffed French Toast. She said it was OK but most of it was left on her plate. Cute, not bad prices and was good in a bind but we’re definitely going to try Penelope’s next time.

I definitely think Stone Park Cafe won food wise but I loved the cheeky fun of Barking Dog. If I had a family in tow I think Barking Dog would have been a better choice but as I didn’t, I’ll leave it for the history books.

Week 12: Out with the old, in with the new

So my exercise this week hasn’t been up to scratch. I was exhausted this week and this weekend missed two of my scheduled exercise times as I just slept instead. I don’t know if it’s the heat or my body needing a bit of a break.

I jumped on the bike tonight to make up for it so did an hour as I watched Italian week on Australian Masterchef. It’s my fav show and the best Masterchef in the franchise.

Mind the Gap

So I said a couple weeks ago that I wasn’t going to get any new clothes but when it came to my bras, I couldn’t wait anymore. I could fit half my hand in my bra!

So today I went to Victoria Secret and got resized. I went from a 38DD to a 34D. Holy mother!!

Though I could get 36C, the strap was at its tightest so there is no where for me to go when I lose more weight…which I will do.

No more weight lost but down 3/4 inch on the hips. Going to up the cardio to running 4x per week to get my training up there and get that weight training properly scheduled. Go team me!

A little tip for summer dress time

So I’m a hippy lady - as in curves not tie-dye - so I got thighs and an ass. One thing that has saved me in the crazy hotness that hits New York is runners anti chaff stick. Basically it’s the stuff men rub on their nipples so they don’t chaff and bleed on long runs.

Ladies of larger thighs, if you rub this magic stick wherever your thighs rub together, it doesn’t chaff and hurt. It’s so magical. Use it. Use it now! Thanks Ann for that tip. It’s changed my life.

Next week I’ll write about my observations on Internet dating so far. It’s going to be a long post!

Brunch with friends: dueling brunches

As Bang with Friends quickly reaches new heights, I thought of something else I’d rather do with friends: go for brunch.

So let me introduce Brunch with Friends, a little review of brunch places wherever I lay my head. Mostly in New York, home of brunch, but who knows where I’ll be, or what I consider brunch.

First off will be the day of two brunches, or dueling brunches, as I’ll call it.

Sunday am, 9:30 am in fact, I stepped through the doors of Alice’s Tea Cup Chapter II on the Upper East Side. It was recommended to me by a waitress at Spin.

I met an old school friend for brunch - and funnily enough we both turned up in blue and white stripped dresses. Twins! Quite fitting for an Alice in Wonderland themed restaurant. Tweedledum and Tweedledee anyone?

This is a place made for moms and their little girls. Or people who love cake and tea in proper tea cups.

Downstairs is a bit worn and basementy so I’d definitely aim for an upstairs seat. There’s big windows and we lucked out with a corner window seat.

The coffee comes in giant mugs (the waitress commented that you could swim in it) and is brewed by the cup. There’s at least a hundred types of tea, 4 iced tea specials everyday and 3 types of scones.



I had the vegetarian egg white omelette with a side of grilled asparagus and pears. I’d say it was a bit overcooked and way too greasy.

I’d go again for a tea but wouldn’t recommend the brunch experience.

Roll on brunch number two

Now 9:30 isn’t really brunch now is it? So when I met Ariel for coffee and it hit 1:30, I wanted to gnaw my arm off. You know what can fix that hole of hunger? BRUNCH!

Being in Columbus Circle, we didn’t know any good brunch places so we turned to Yelp. Neither of us had been to Eatly so down 9th avenue we went.

F*** me. 9th Ave is the Mecca of brunch goers. Everywhere we looked - brunch, brunch and more brunch.

But we chose Eatly, so to Eatly we went. And oh my god did we make the best choice. It was fantastic.

They bring you red velvet mini muffins dusted with icing sugar to start (Ariel assured me they were good and moist in the middle as they should be)



Her salad had big chunks of chicken and seemed plentiful but she said it tasted pretty standard. As for my dishes? Black Bean soup (amazing) and a Japanese egg white omelette with shiitake mushrooms, tofu, chives and plum sauce with a side of pickled cucumbers with ginger and sage.

Eggs were fluffy and done perfectly. The tastes were unusual but suited each other. Maybe the soup and the omelette didn’t match each other but I live black bean soup so much I didn’t care. I’d eat that again and again and again. Definitely thumbs up all round.

So if you know a great brunch place you think I should try or if you want to join me on my epic brunch adventures, let me know. It’s just so good. So so very deliciously weekendy good.

Oh the Places You'll Go: The ferry to Croatia

Before the cheap flight companies reached their way to Croatia, my friend Joss, Lindsay and I decided we wanted to spend a week there. We were all poor London types, scraping enough together for happy hour and the cost of indie discos on Saturdays. The only way to get there on the cheap was to fly to the coast of Italy and take the overnight ferry.

One squishy flight, a hot bus ride and a long walk with a misbehaving suitcase, we made it to a rough port with groups of holiday makers like us. Well maybe a bit more road worn than us but at that moment we were all in the same boat. Or were about to be.

We only bought seats on the outdoor benches but most people found a bit of floor inside and slept between the seats. I decided it would be romantic to sleep on deck and watch the sunrise. The others stayed with me but as the night grew bitter, the wind catching cold from the water, they implored me to come in.

I refused. This may be the only time I’d get to see the sun rise over the coast of Croatia. They thought I was crazy. I pulled out my sleeping bag, curled up on the hard plastic bench and slept with my head on my backpack.

F*** me it was cold. So cold. I looked to the doors leading inside. So warm and inviting even in flickering fluorescent. But I wouldn’t budge. If I walked into the warmth, I’d sleep, yes, but I’d never see the sun. I knew I’d miss it. Plus I’m stubborn. My friends said I couldn’t do it but I had to show them I could.

So I curled back up and shivered my way through the rest if the night.

The sky lightened before I could see the sun, but the chill lifted enough that it woke me. There were hundreds of islands (or so it seemed) guarding the coastline of Croatia. Treed sentinels rising out of the blue green water.

I set up my camera. Snapped picture after picture in an attempt to capture the exact moment the sun crested the hilly islands and continued its assent into the sky.

My friends found me later on the deck not far from where I slept. The sun was firmly intrenched in the sky and I stood there staring forward, half shivering from a night of cold, abuzz with the adventure ahead of us.

Week 11: Look ma, I'm running

As I end week 11 I’m in good spirit. My weight is still the same this week but I’m down 3/4 of an inch on my hips which means something is happening and as the picture shows (I think), my butt is considerably smaller. And more defined. Woohoo. Bring on more running.

Eating wise, I’m staying on track but eating way too many nuts. I also may be eating too big of a portion of food. Salad bars will get you every time. I’ve noticed that the plateau really hit a couple weeks into my new job.

I’m still having no bread and pasta but need more water and more veggies as a snack rather then too many nuts. Maybe that will make a difference this week.

Running, glorious running

It’s amazing. People who run are coming out of the woodwork. People who want to run with me!

And I’m loving it!

What a difference realizing and admitting to a fear of running will do for your drive. Last night we ran 3.25 miles and did it in great time. We did stop and do weight training along the way but it was awesome. You can see how much fun it was in the picture below:



Saturdays Luke, Laura and I are going to train together for medium size runs and Tuesday nights my friend Nicky and I are going to do long marathon runs. That leaves Sunday for me to do my own short run. This is a much better schedule for me then mornings.

Weight trained twice this week. 10 minutes isn’t hard. Just gotta get into a rhythm!

Hitting on the Internet

Have decided to throw my hat into the ring and have ventured into Internet dating. It’s my next big fear I think. But its the done thing in New York so I’m going to actually do it. And now that I’ve figured out the right site to be on, I feel like it’s not as bad as I thought (not perfect - but not too excruciating).

The reason I never tried it before was the fear of being seen by someone I knew on and guess what? It happened. I didn’t implode (instead I asked for profile advice) and I’m starting to slowly warm to having a laugh.

Maybe I won’t meet the love of my life but I will meet some interesting characters along the way. And don’t worry mom. I’m not meeting anyone in a car park at night. And I’m not sending half dressed pics of myself to strangers. Call me a prude but I just don’t get that.

Week ten: Flatline

I’m feel slightly defeated this week. I guess that’s what plateaus do to you. But I’m not eating any cake! My head screams. I’m saying no to wine! But yet my weight is exactly the same as last week. Where is my weight loss prize??

Exercise is playing a much bigger factor than I realized. My exercise has gone from everyday to 2 days a week and it’s made a huge difference. In order to mix it up, I’m now finally setting running dates. A run with the girls on Wednesday night and a long run on Saturday or Sunday with Laura and Luke. I just have to get two other training sessions for running in there and I’m golden.

I also have to get back in the habit of getting up when my alarm says. 20 min on the bike and weight training need to be the start of most of my days. It’s not too taxing - I just gotta do it!! The results won’t happen otherwise.

I also think I may be eating too many nuts. I need to start making baggies with one serving and snack more on veg. And watch out for sauces. They can be deadly.

This is a battle and a balance that I’m going to win.

Com’on Heather, com’on.

Why I'm afraid of running

I’ve been afraid to get back into running. I freeze up, I get nervous, I do everything I can to get out of it.

After my run with the girls on Wednesday (which was awesome), I started thinking about why. Why was I so terrified of going for a run with them?

Junior High

When I was in 7th and 8th grade, I was a fat asthma kid. I affectionately call that girl - jogging suit set girl. I was cubby and wore whatever I could to hide it (FYI big clothes only make you look bigger but what do 13 year olds know eh?)

My gym teacher, Mrs. Chandler, was horrible to me. If you were on an athletics team, you could sail through. The rest of us, nightmare.

The worst of it - cross country running.

I was actually in the running team in grade 6. When I could drag myself out of bed (yep - night owl since birth), I’d run around the halls of our round school and got a medal in a track meet. Participatory medals count.

But junior high running was outdoors during allergy season. Not only was I out of shape, but I couldn’t breath and the two kilometers were had to run might as well have been a marathon.

I got a doctors note excusing me from this cross country torture but my teacher made me run anyway. My mom got wind of this and was furious. So she called the Principle.

In the tenuous relationship between junior high teacher and junior high student, this was not a good move. I basically tattled on her. So began the taunting, the singling out and her telling the other kids I couldn’t run because I was allergic to air…sigh.

The worst was the all school cross country run. I had to participate. My usual tactic was to run with the crowd until I was out of sight of the school and then walk and painfully half jog until it was finally over. But this was before the whole mom calling the office thing.

In front of the whole school, my amazingly kind (but misguided) Principal, placed his hand on my shoulder and gave me a pep talk. He said “I know you’ll want to run, and you will feel peer pressure to run when the rest of them run, but you mustn’t run. If you want, I can walk with you and keep you company”

Shoot me now. I shook my head no and hoped the ground would swallow me whole and transport me to the land of no running.

So everyone lined up and someone shouted go. Everyone took off and I walked. They ran farther and farther away and I still walked. I looked back to see if anyone was watching. Everyone was. My Principal have me a thumbs up. A piece of me died inside.

Beating the 2K

Eight years later, I worked at a gym and all the staff and members were doing a 24 hour relay for charity. The distance we had to run? 2 km. My old nemesis.

I decided to conquer it. I wasn’t going to let it beat me again. It was my turn. My teammate rounded the corner and then the baton was in my hand. I was running. I was doing it.

I ran the entire 2 km. I wasn’t the fastest but I ran 2 km for the first time in my life. I think my work mates were slightly concerned when I jumped up and down at the end shouting (the equivalent of) “In your face Mrs. Baker. Suck it. I can run 2k. I CAN RUN 2K!”

But the fear remains…

Despite that victory I panic with running especially if I’m running with a group or anyone or, if I’m being honest, on my own. I know I have to embrace the fear and move past it. I have a marathon in 4 months and I’m doing it. And I’m going to be great at it.

Anyone else have these fears? How do you overcome them?

Week nine: and I'm feeling fine

I can’t believe it’s officially been nine weeks. I know I keep saying I can’t believe it but it’s true.

I’m very much into the rhythm in this eating wise. I’m also realizing the cravings are more to do with my period than the fact I’m not eating things. So is the plateau in weight loss. Of course it’s going to slow down and the sporadic exercise doesn’t help but I’m down 26 pounds now. Only 15 pounds to go until I’m in the “green” BMI zone and 30 to my goal weight. I’m basically half way there! Huzzah!

Embracing what scares you

Yesterday was Running Day (there’s a day for everything!) and I celebrated by running with some of my girlfriends. I have to admit I was terrified. No, my friends aren’t scary drill sergeants but rather I was scared about a) running b) running with other people.

I packed up my stuff yesterday and when I was sat at my desk and the hours drew closer to “running” time, I was already thinking up excuses. But I went. They were great and said we’d slow down anytime I needed to but running with them was a blast.

I could’ve pushed myself to go faster but we ran in pairs and everyone was at different speeds so we took it easy. After each mile we stopped and did push-ups, dips and sit-ups. We had great chats and took to the stairs part way through to increase the difficulty.

It was so fun! Why was I so scared? And I did the 3 miles/ 5k with ease so why was I so worried? We’ve made a pact to run every Wednesday night. As I’ve been having problems getting my running in, this is a perfect way to go out with friends while exercising. Done. As I start to do longer distances, I can start earlier and join them for the last 5k.

If the shoe fits…

What’s been super exciting this week is fitting back into old clothes. Not spilling out but actually fitting. But the other problem is my new work clothes are getting too big and I’m afraid to say, my bras aren’t fitting anymore. My ladies are getting trim with me so I just don’t fit the cup anymore.

I’d happily run out and get some new clothes but I know I’m only half way and don’t want to buy new things and then have to get more new things a few months down the road. My plan is to never come back to where I was so I’m not keeping the big stuff around.

I’ll be measuring myself tonight so can’t report now but I’ve trimmed down further, that’s for sure. I can feel it in my clothes.

A big round applause for you

I just want to put a big shout out to everyone who has been reading this and supporting me on my journey. You’ve made it not so lonely and by posting these, I feel accountable to all of you and it makes me strive to do better every day so thank you. Also a huge thanks to Charlene, an amazing personal training, for all her response and advice. If you need a trainer in London, do check her out.

Week eight: early mornings and zombie cravings

I have a cold coming on. Maybe it’s my body’s way of protesting running. Ha!

But I ache all over and missed my exercise routine yesterday morning. Not great as I’m missing it today as I had to take a 6 am trip to DC. I do love trains but I hate early mornings.

Mornings are the worst

Maybe one of the reasons I’ve not felt motivated to run as I’m getting up to exercise when I’m barely awake. Somehow, sitting on the bike and just moving my legs is an easy task. It’s getting on trainers and walking out the door that my foggy head can’t seem to comprehend.

Some solutions would be:
Just going for that run
Running at lunch
Running right after work

I’m not keen on running on the treadmill but as I’m failing to run in the week, I have to make another decision to get going on this. Treadmill tomorrow it is!

Craving crap like a zombie craves brains

The last couple of days I’ve been having cravings. Came out of nowhere! It’s like I have super bat ears and can hear every crisp that everyone in the office is eating. Every crisp fluffy bite. I believe I’m not eating enough. I’m busy and rushing so I’m not putting enough calories in. Where I would have made bad snack choices, I’m having fruit and veg or nothing at all. It’s the nothing at all that I’m worried about…

My biggest problem is dinner. I come home and I’m hungry but the tiredness is overtaking it so I have yogurt, fruit and nuts or like Tuesday night, also had a can of butter beans. Where’s the veg!

The magic of cutting vegetables

My mom told me about a weight watchers trick. When you go grocery shopping, cut all the veggies and fruit and put in clear Tupperware. Then you know what you have and you’ll be more likely to make healthy snack choices if they are as easy to eat as a pack of crisps.

This means I need to schedule prep time in. No matter what. This will help me for early mornings like this as well!

Stuck in the prairies with you

This week feels like a plateau week. Can’t see a noticeable difference in the scales or measurements. Running may be the thing to shake this up! And to eat all of my scheduled meals!

Week seven: judgy, judgy

I don’t want to be one of “those” girls. Picky and difficult. Then again maybe “those” girls only exist in movies.

I’ve always had that Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally thing about me - being allergic to dairy and lettuce and a host of other things makes it difficult already but now no rice, pasta, potatoes? I feel even more picky…or just a bit self-conscience.

This is obviously a thing with me and food. I just realized right this second: I think people are judging me when I eat. When I’m bigger, I think people are looking at me as I eat a bag of crisps and think “should she really be eating that?” And now I think they’re looking at me as a difficult, picky and obnoxious person. I’m not sure what to do with that information really.

The eating and the moving part

Other than my psychological ephiphany, food is going good but all my brain work at my new job is tiring me out to the point I’m not hungry. I try my best to eat regularly and for the most part succeed. Thank god for our super healthy cafeteria.

Exercise is not so good. Getting on the bike but I’ve sometimes only put in 20 minutes. Not great but this means I have to plan better. I have to start running next week or I’ll never be marathon ready! Any tips on how to get motivated? I know once I put a few weeks in I know I can get into it.

The awkward me

The food thing really makes me think of how I am when meeting people. I’m great meeting new people - can chat about anything - but when faced with telling if someone likes me, I’m fairly oblivious. My friend back home finds this hilarious. I assume as I’m nice to everyone, that everyone is just being nice back.

On the flip side, I don’t like to draw attention to myself. Though I do have a bit of my own flair, I do like to dress up according to what the place/ situation demands. Being a chameleon makes me feel like I belong and makes it easier for people where I am to relate to me.

This means I’m also horrible at the “locked eyes across the bar” kind of thing. And yes, I know, people only know you’re interested if you actually look at them, or smile, or go up to them. But I find it something I avoid. Its embarrassing for me. Happy to talk to a friend of a friend or meet people in a group, but the uncertainty of strangers when related to a potential dating situation? The sad thing is, I don’t realize I’m doing it most of the time.

It leaves me in a place where I’m thought to flirting when I’m just being me and then when I think someone’s cute, I’ll avoid them or become a bumbling idiot. Anyone else feel that way?

This week’s results

This week I’ve lost 2 pounds and a half inch here and there. People are beginning to notice and the miraculous trying on of the jeans that didn’t fit for years. Yep. They fit.

Look ma! I'm wearing jeans!

Tonight, on a whim, I decided to try on jeans from the jean drawer. The jean drawer is a very special place where there are jeans that I dream of fitting back into. They’ve lived there for more than 2 years.

When I went shopping for clothes, I wouldn’t let myself buy jeans. It was my goal to get into the pairs I already had.

Today is the first day they started to fit.

I cried. Putting on that pair of jeans made the work of the last 6 weeks really real. Really really real.

Happy amazed “I don’t know where they came from” tears.

This day is better than the ones I saw those numbers drop on the scale or the inches drop from my waist.

I’m on my way. I’m well on my way.

Week six: tests and needles

Today I bit the bullet and went to the doctor for a physical. Part of me being an adult is taking care of my body. And that means going to the doctor.

I had full blood work (including a cholesterol and celiacs test), some vaccinations, and got in major trouble for not using my inhaler regularly. But my heart and lungs were good and had an allergist recommended to me.

I also mentioned in passing about this pain I often have in my left chest. I’ve always been told its asthma. Tight pain. Sore ribs. My doctor looked a bit startled and told me to go to go get an X-ray. I hope it’s mostly covered by my insurance. I’m scared of actually seeing anyone for fear I won’t be able to eat for the month.

Am I getting fit yet?

To finish my day I went for a fitness assessment so I can use the gym at work. I rocked the push-ups, sit-ups and cardio test but my flexibility has dropped to average (more yoga needed!!)

The only blip was my BMI and my fat percentage. Lots of fat pinching with the calipers was going on. Result? 31% body fat. Women should be between 20-25% I was told. But all the trainer said was “hey! You and I both know you’ve got this to work on but you’re going to get there.” And its true! Stepping on the scale and finding out I lost 20 pounds (yep! Hit 20 pounds lost!!) is a great motivator. When I told her that the lack of drinking, sugar and breads/pastas have helped, she said “Don’t forget to live a little, you’re not a nun.”

My biggest worry

I have to confess as I move into week seven that I don’t want to go back to the way things were before. I’m scared that if I venture into one drink or one pasta dish that it will lead to more and more. That it’s easier to not indulge if I don’t have it at all. This is a problem I have to solve. I’m great at all or nothing but moderation? Not so much.

Food has been good mostly due to the massive salad bar at work. I’ll need to start bringing food or I will go crazy eating the same stuff every day. I have a fruit bowl and nuts and veggies in the fridge. Great for snacking in the in between times.

Exercise wise, I’m doing great but really need to pull in the running. I’ve been getting up at crazy hours so my schedule hasn’t settled yet. But I’m still getting on the bike nearly everyday and reintroduced push-ups, back extensions, squats, crunches, planks and leg raises. It’s part of the modified ab challenge I’m doing as a way to kick this off this month.

As for the rest of me…

I’ve lost 3.5 inches around my waist, 3 inches on my hips, 3 inches in my bust and 2 inches around my thighs. I’m glowing I’m so happy. People are definitely noticing and my check bones starting to make an appearance.

I have to say, I feel so much better and more like myself already. I’m only 25 pounds from the top BMI of my healthy range and 40 from my goal.

In three months I go back for another fitness assessment so I’ll be working on losing this fat, gaining muscle in its place and stretching more. I should add more sleeping to the list but who sleeps when they start a new job, right? Especially as I’m one of the mad men now. ;)

A letter to my mom on Mother's Day

I remember you squinting in the sun at the camera. A hand over your eyes to block the light and your mouth half formed into words. It’s how you are in most pictures, always something to say. Impatient for chubby fingers to press the button, for the shutter to open and close.

You called me your gypsy daughter. I don’t know if that inspired me to explore hidden corners of the world, or if you just saw it in me. A little girl who climbed fences to visit elderly neighbors, who fearlessly bounded off to pre-school claiming home was boring, or who thought, at three, I could make it to the store and back after smelling doughnuts on the wind. I understood directions but still didn’t understand the concept of money.

You fought for us - for our education, our place in the world, for people to notice us no matter what circumstances we came from. You told us to be whatever we wanted to be as long as we were happy. And reminded us that happiness came when we took care of ourselves - financially, physically and emotionally. Remember the same for yourself mom.

As the world is filled with light and dark, it wasn’t always happy in our house and some days were dark but you did what you could to make our lives feel normal. Even the days you couldn’t get out of bed, you turned it into a game. I never knew indoor picnics weren’t an every household occurrence until I left home.

Sometimes (many times) we didn’t agree. Teenagers are never easy and don’t understand why parents push them to strive for any better. That 80% is good but to not forget the 20% that didn’t make it into your brain.

I know that the day I told you I was moving out at 17 it was a shock to you. You told me I wouldn’t make it because you didn’t want me to leave. I know now that you just didn’t know how to express that to me. I was terrified but I did it. I didn’t want to lean on you but in the darkest times, you were that practical voice in my ear.

I don’t know if I ever told you this but on those homesick days, I used to buy your shampoo so I could smell you around me. So I could feel like you were there even when I was miles away.

Today I’ve seen men, normally too cool or too busy to be fiddling with flowers, with bouquets in hands on their way to Mother’s Day brunches. I imagine them as little boys eagerly awaiting this day with gifts of plaster of Paris hands or a newly sprouted bean in a cup bedazzled with colored macaroni. I’m sure they look pretty close to what I brought you too.

I can’t be there to give you flowers and I won’t be sitting by your side at dinner. But I wanted to let you know that I wouldn’t be the person I am today without you. I credit you for my sense of responsibility, my boldness, my self sufficiency and my determination. As your picture demonstrates, I think you’re a big contributor to my quirky sense of humor as well.


And to the other mothers in my life - the women who gave me room to grow, took care of me when I was down and opened their homes to me as if I was one of their own - I am eternally grateful for you being a part of shaping who I am. Though we mark this day as Mother’s Day, I’m thinking of you always.

Week five: slowly, slowly, slowly

Week 5? Really. Is it already here?

This feels unreal. Like I just started this journey yesterday but I’m getting closer to forming better habits…almost.

Yesterday was my first day at my new job. Good news: there is a cafeteria with a full salad bar, fruit and healthy choices every day. There is also a gym which I’m going to join for those days I need a little mid day fitness break. Lastly, there is coffee area (with decaf!) and a giant fridge to keep food in.

This giant fridge is going to be great for food that I ACTUALLY bring to work. Thinking about it will not make it appear. So basically one habit I’m having trouble forming is preparing food in advance! I needed refueling this afternoon but had no nuts, fruit or veggies to snack on. SOOOO…I am promising you folks in Internet land that I will have a fruit bowl on my desk and bring snack bags with just enough nuts for one portion so I can grab them on the go between meetings. And I’m also getting a one litre bottle to fill with water and drink at least two of them a day.

As for my exercise…

Running has been pretty non-existent and weight training lacking but I’m thankful every day for that bike of mine. No matter what I’m feeling like, I’ll jump on it. This morning was supposed to be a run but it was bucketing rain so 30 minutes (7 miles) on the bike was a great substitute. Plus it gives me time to watch a TV show as I bike which is a favorite thing of mine to do! I think I’ve just not got into the habit/routine of my running/weights so I need to start adding that in.

Charlene is going to kill me as I have a 4 mile charity run this weekend and haven’t been running. BUT I’ve been doing lots of cardio so hope that’ll help me get over the finish line. Plus…I promise to take it easy :)

I hope in the next few weeks I can find a good routine. The first couple weeks at a new job and your brain feels like mush. So I expect to be tired but going to keep at it. Slowly, slowly, slowly.

Week 4: thinking clothes

So when you lose 15 pounds (like I can happily report I did this month), clothes start to get looser. It’s exciting because it means you’re getting somewhere even if you can’t see the changes yet in the upictures.

I’m starting a new job in a couple days and so I’m having to get new clothes to fit the environment I’m heading to. My biggest worry is buying clothes that won’t fit in a couple months.

On the advice of a few friends I have decided to venture back into the world of separates. I left that world 3 years ago after some of the weight piled on. Dresses were more comfy and easily accommodated the weight gain.

When I worked at home, I’d wear jeans on occasion so I would notice any weight gain. I’d cut back a bit and everything would even out. Once I started at an office, I wore leggings and dresses so I didn’t notice the weight gain until the jeans didn’t fit at all. It was really down hill from there.

I’ve decided on separates as I can keep tops for longer or trousers for longer (wherever I lose first) and hopefully I’ll save money in the process and mix up my look a bit. Then I’ll supplement with a few different tops as I go.

Not using food as reward

I’ve also decided my “treat” for losing weight will be clothes. In the past my reward was a fancy dinner, or something food related but clothes are more practical and get me away from food as reward.

I can’t wait to lose weight now! I think I’ll pick a few treat outfits and ask you next week what you think of them.

Food and exercise

Food was ok and still keeping to my diet plan despite my mom trying to tempt me otherwise. I’m also discovering that eating out can be ok. Most places will double the veggies for me so I’m not eating pasta or rice. Red Robins even prepared grilled salmon and broccoli for me - the only things not fried I think ;) I just bought “Practical Paleo” after a friend recommended it so I’m hoping to try some new recipes this week once I’m home. Being away isn’t a very good time to experiment.

Exercise wasn’t great and it snowed so I didn’t run. Got cardio in everyday but the weight resistance stopped entirely. I’m back at it this Sunday with tough mudder training so hoping to get back on track to being super strong.

On a silly note, we nicknamed my pot belly Hector. So I’ll be working on getting rid of him over the next coming months…”oh Hector, I remember all the good times we’ve had but really, you are not a good part of my life, and you must go.”

Lost 2 pounds and an inch on the hips and the waist. Woohoo!

Week three: out of sync

With my late week three post, you can tell I’m out of sync. I’ve tried my first day of traveling and boy that was an eyeopener. Thank goodness I brought a bag of fruit and veggies with me.

As I’m allergic to lettuce (I know its mostly water!) and don’t eat meat, it’s really hard to eat in airports especially when not eating carbs, so the salad I made and all the fruit I brought meant I was totally sorted (and I could use up all the food in the fridge so it didn’t go bad) I didn’t bring enough protein so had to go searching for it.

Now I understand economy and how people want to save by buying in bulk but com’on. I’m in an airport. Even the “healthy” snacks only came in a bag with four servings. I just need one thank you. I finally found a Starbucks with one portion nut packs. Next time I’ll remember to pack my own.

Broken routine

Being away, my whole routine is off especially as I’m in a different time zone. I’m finding it hard to put the full amount of time in that I need for my exercise so I have to find a way to balance that time.

It’s especially important for me to think about routine as I start a new job in a week. I know this is going to be exciting and stressful so I have to give myself time to prep my food and plan my workouts before leaping into a new world of work. So much to think about!

I did get out there and run on Friday - first time in 10 days because my knee was hurting. Still a bit sore but it felt fine after I ran 20 minutes. Glad to be back in the saddle with that so I can get back to prepping for my marathon.

Food wise I’m doing good but I need to start thinking about mixing it up. I end up eating a lot of the same things for convenience but don’t want that to stop me from eating right.

Yep. Week 3 is a bit more challenging but I’m still hanging in there. 30 days to form a habit I’ve heard so I’m nearly there.

PS my mom showed me this weight modeling and helped me make some models of me. There’s “me” on day one, the second one is me now 11.5 pounds lighter (if my mom’s scale is to be trusted, I’m down another 3 pounds) and then the last one is where I’ll be at goal weight. A nice way to see what you’re aiming for.

Looking at my path and leaning in

On the advice of a friend, I finally decided to read Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In. I felt like it was unnecessary reading but I kept hearing about it so thought I should just read it and get it over with. Well I’m glad I did.

I’ve been super ambitious my whole life and never understood why it mattered if I was male or female. I never really paid much attention to woman’s only groups and mentor programs. I didn’t understand why they were necessary.

But while I was reading Sheryl’s book, I saw myself in her. A lot of myself.

Who’s the boss? I was

As a child, I had a t-shirt that said “I’m the boss” and I took it to heart. Anyone asked me to do something, I’d point to it and say: “I don’t have to. I’m the boss.” This sentiment bled into family gatherings where I made all the kids act in elaborate plays that I would only present to the parents if video taped.

At age 8, my parents divorced and my sister and I moved into welfare housing with my mom. We lived under the poverty line and I grew to hate mechanically processed frozen vegetables. We had them in everything because they were cheap and took a long time to go bad. Blech.

My mom tried to make things seem normal. Cause all of our friends got McDonalds so we got McDonalds too. So on pay day my sister and I would get one happy meal from McDonalds to share. But my mom had her own difficulties. She suffers from Agoraphobia and panic disorder so I did a lot of taking care of my family. I credit her for my sense of responsibility, my boldness, my self sufficiency and my determination. I saw her raising two kids the best she could and trying to go back to school to get a degree. It wasn’t an easy life but it made me who I am.

In grade 6, I wrote, directed and starred in my first play: Goldilocks and the two bears (Papa bear and mama bear were divorced) and I couldn’t fathom why my friend who was a great artist wasn’t interested in making a children’s book with me. I thought a book by two 12 year olds was a great hook for any publisher but she was more interested in playing. Yep. Ambition.

I wanted to do it all

I volunteered, I wrote for the school paper, I ran for student elections (I never won but had great posters), I was in music, choir, and drama. I worked evenings to help pay for school.

At 16, I convinced the Girl Guide Council to let me run a Sparks group (pre-Brownies for 5 year olds) even though you have to be 18 to do it.

At 17, I moved out on my own when I was still in high school with a little help from my dad and two jobs under my belt. After someone drunkenly tore the tendon in my arm, I couldn’t work and found out for the first time what real hunger felt like and the shame of asking to take your friend’s leftovers home.

Governed by debt…and pride

University brought my first credit card and debt and a collection agent. Pride kept me from asking for help until my family found out I was living off of cheap noodles, peanut butter, green onion from an old onion that sprouted and bread cut as thin as I could make it. (FYI peanut butter and spaghetti can never be called “Thai noodles” nor do they taste like them.)

I left theatre school knowing it was causing me to slip into a fog of anti-depressants and alcohol due to a doctor who was a bit over zealous with a prescription pad (a problem which disappeared as soon as I left school) and worked at my first job job: collections agent for a bank.

They offered me a quick managerial route into the banking world. That scared me more than the engagement ring I refused two years earlier and thankfully fate intervened. I won a contest giving me a work permit in England.

Taking a leap into a new world

I said yes. Negotiated when I could go, gave myself time to spend with my family and left on the 31 December with only a backpack full of clothes and two pairs of shoes.

London was home almost immediately. I found a company run by two brothers and convinced them that they needed me. All I needed was a work permit. I told them it was easy even though it wasn’t but thankfully they said yes. So I worked in the day for peanuts and performed at night until I had three books published and travelled to India, Serbia and Ireland performing my work. I also clawed my way out of an abusive relationship unsure of who I was anymore…one day I’ll be brave enough to tell that story.

In 2008, I had my first feature made and went through my first negotiation hell. I thought writing the thing after work and around my masters assignments was hard enough. In the end, I got paid but the director and producer never spoke to me again. My fee? £1000.

In January 2009, I lost my job as did hundreds of other people just as I was granted my residency. I worked odd jobs including teaching 10 year old boys creative writing - it took me 3 hours to get there and 3 hours to get home again.

Finally I got a break. I was being offered a job at PayPal as the face of their new corporate website. I was teaching writing to refugees, writing a poetry book I was losing interest in and writing sales letters and taking whatever other odd job I could take. My friend told me I had to choose - this job path or my creative one. I think the dream of eating regular meals and a steady pay cheque when no one was hiring helped me choose the corporate route.

Entering the corporate world

Creativity did exist there but so did barriers I didn’t think I had before. I’m very straight forward but there were times where if I was, I was asked to take a softer approach or be more polite. I was never rude so this baffled me.

I moved sideways and diagonally through jobs, creeping higher in a career I originally started just to take care of myself. After bouts of having nothing, being able to travel and eat at restaurants and pay my bills is something I really enjoyed.

This didn’t mean I stopped my creative endevours. I started directing short documentaries, made my first web series and got to speak at comic con (may be one of my top 5 achievements ). But that world has most of the same issues as any other career for women. I remember one film night when I was talking about my work, the host asked if my web series was just something I did for fun with some friends. Not one of the male directors was asked that question. I was furious. But after I explained the business model and our success, he didn’t ask another question like that again.

My final job in the UK was the BBC. I loved it. But with job cuts looming I took the chance, and jumped at a job that moved me to New York. I loved living in London but how many chances do you get to move to New York.

New York isn’t all sunshine and lollipops

It was a hellish first year. I made amazing friends but I was struggling. This move was hard. Culture shock was an understatement. And all my boldness and ambition? Isn’t becoming in a woman I was told. It’s not how you get a man. That was news to me. England wasn’t like that. So maybe I don’t want any of those men… But I pushed through and once it felt like New York wasn’t trying to kill me, I had to decide how to move forward and take the reins for the rest of my life.

This is why I decided to move to Social@Ogilvy to be VP, Head of Social Content and Strategy. It’s such a far cry from that girl in army boots and a backpack that moved to England 11 years ago that I almost don’t recognize her. But I deserve it - and me writing that here is the first time I’ve “said” that.

I start in two weeks so I am doing some thinking and making some decisions about moving forward in my life and my career. This includes reading books like Lean In to give me other perspectives.

I looked back at my years in the “corporate” world and have looked at my mistakes and the blocks on my path put there by myself and others. Inappropriate comments and actions from bosses and colleagues that I rose above instead of reporting (which I should have done). I’m as much to blame as others for some of the twists in my path. Reading Sheryl’s book has made me decide that I don’t want to continue in the same way and I have to be more conscious of my way forward. I’m not necessarily saying five year plan but I’m thinking it.

I’m excited to be joining a company that wants me to succeed and encourages growth. So it is up to me to make sure I don’t put my own barriers in the way of that. And I won’t.

I haven’t even finished reading the book and look what it inspired me to write.

So I say this to all of you that feel the same way:

• Go big.


• Ask for what you want.


• Always say yes (unless your gut - not your fear - says no).


• Believe in yourself.


• Say thank you to compliments.


• Compliment others. Everyone needs a boost and if you’re thinking it, you should say it.


• Don’t wait until later to achieve your dreams. Later may never come.


• Take baby steps. They’ll get you to the same place and you’ll have time to see the twists and turns.


• Smile…Sometimes you just got to fake it til you make it.

Week 2: A sad, sad week

My friend died Saturday night in his sleep. We hadn’t seen each other properly in years but he’d pop up occasionally on Facebook and I’d think about our vacations together and those nights out in dirty indie clubs when I first moved to England.

No one expected it. He was in his mid-thirties, had no illness that we knew of and poof he’s gone.

I found out Sunday. I think three weeks ago I would have gone to the pub and had a fair number of drinks. When my grandma died when my cousin and I were in Italy, we ate and drank our sadness. It felt like a good idea at the time.

This time I went to my dance class and flailed around to hip hop music. It felt like a much better place to be sad in.

Something strange happens when someone your age dies. For me, it made me feel that I have to stick with this journey to become healthy again but it also reminds me that we could go at any time. I don’t ever want to regret my choices or not go out there and live. Waiting for retirement is not an option.

This week was a little harder food wise. I stuck with it but I find it easier to eat at home then preparing for a whole day out. I need to make up snack packs to carry with me but also need to find time to make them up. I guess it’s about priorities. Eating healthy and getting into those habits needs to be one of them.

Exercise wise I started resistance training (as recommended by Charlene) and it reconfirmed that my arms are indeed baby ones. I know it will take time to be strong and I’ll get there even though I want it to happen now. My exercise bike arrived so I use it to warm up for resistance training and on the morning it was pouring rain. I think this will turn out to be a great investment.

This week I’ve lost another 3 pounds and lost an inch on my waist and an inch on my hips.

I want to give a huge shout out to Marianne who will be running the London marathon this weekend. Two years ago we stood as spectators near tower bridge and, with tears in our eyes, vowed we’d run a marathon and raise money for Cancer Research UK. You see that day, April 17, was the anniversary of my aunt’s death from cancer and Marianne’s dad just had his final all clear. I am so proud of her achievements and can’t wait until we run together on October 12 in the Baltimore Marathon. Here’s a video that explains more about what we’re doing and why:

[vimeo 31936995 w=500 h=281]

Lastly, I know much has been said on this, but my heart goes out to all those at the Boston marathon. Those who have sadly passed, all recovering from the trama of being in the bomb blast, and those brave and wonderful people who stepped in to help. It’s so hard to think someone could do that to all those people who worked so hard to be in that race and those who came to cheer them on.

Yes. It’s been a sad, sad week.

Week one: remember the baby steps

So this week was week one and it wasn’t that bad. OK…maybe that’s an exaggeration. To start it included headaches and sluggishness but now that I’ve hit day seven, I’m feeling pretty good. I was definitely ready for a change.

One thing that really helped was having so much support from my friends and family. A lot of people reached out and it made me feel like I was heading down the right track. So thanks everyone! And special thanks to personal trainer extraordinaire, Charlene, who will be coaching me along the way and will answer my blog posts every Thursday with further advice to keep me on the right track. (See her first post here).

This week I cut out all alcohol, sugar and modern carbs (bread, pasta, etc). I’ll be doing this for six weeks to kick off my weight loss plan. Don’t worry! I’m eating lots of veggies and fruit which are carbs too. I’ve also added a twist which led to the headaches I think. I cut out caffeine as well!

Crazy you may say! But Heather, you love coffee! I know. I know. But instead I have decaf and I love fizzy water.

Speaking of fizzy water…(a slight digression)

To help motivate me on this rather epic journey to the me I want to be, I got some things for the kitchen. A slow cooker, a blender AND a SodaStream! I can make my own fizzy water!

It’s fantastic. I don’t know how well it keeps as I drink it all straight away (and have to pee constantly for hours) but I bought it to motivate me to drink more water and it works for when I’m home. I might need one for the office…

I’ve wanted one since I first saw it in 2009 and I’m so glad I did! It was only $100 from Macy’s and it came with flavours to pour in after you carbonate the water. Here’s a little demo I found on YouTube…

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QRXCLLzU1aM?rel=0&w=560&h=315]

Handling the nights out

As per usual, I’ve been out and about most nights as I have been catching up with friends. BUT I stuck to soda water (looks like vodka soda if anyone is really funny about me not drinking - which hasn’t happened yet, thank goodness) And I’ve chosen pretty well when eating out - all protein and veg or a veggie soup. I also stocked my fridge with snacks and good food. Next trick is to bring a snack pack with me whenever I go out.

Back on the exercise train

I’ve had a three days of training this week. A group of us have started doing Tough Mudder training which is really tough calisthenics to help people prepare for an insane 10 mile run/obstacle course. I can’t do the run as I’ll be doing the Baltimore marathon the week before but I want to get weight training into my routine.

Charlene was right about recommending weight training. I want to get strong and also, for women, resistance training helps with bone density. As my grandmother has osteoporosis this is even more important for me to do.

I also tried out my first hip hop class. I felt like I was in a movie playing the lead who really sucks at first but, with enough practice, will become the star. Queue flailing arms and random kicks and clothes more mom’s aerobic class than street cool. I will be back on Sunday…with better clothes.

Next week I’m adding two more days of weight training (trying out some exercises from Nerd Fitness as recommended by my mate Sketch) and continuing on my running training plan. I just have to be careful I don’t over do it. I’m very all or nothing and will go great guns. That can be good but I don’t want to have unattainable goals or work out so hard that it sets me back for two days…and then three…then four.

In terms of my personal me

I’m attempting to be more to the point. I went on a nice date and finally got rid of the wishy washy man. Unfortunately it wasn’t as to the point as it should have been (Rome wasn’t built in a day). I went around the houses instead of saying of coming straight out with: you’re being an idiot and I’m done with this. But I achieved the same result AND it happened over text so I didn’t have to waste my evening telling him it was over. Yes. Avoiding face to face conflict…but I’m working on it!

I did ask if he had any cute single friends. Hey - you never know unless you ask!

It’s only week one but I feel like I’m moving in the right direction. I didn’t take measurements to start so I can’t report on lost inches but I did lose 4 pounds. I’ll start doing weekly pictures on Sunday to show my results. Not looking forward to taking the first one, but it’s all part of the journey…

Time for a change

I don’t usually have a lot of time to sit down and think. But two weeks in South America with 15 flights under your belt, you can’t help but do that. My friend Joe’s recent post about returning to Soberville also got me thinking about what I was doing with my life.

My conclusion? I have to grow up.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m grown up in lots of ways. I’m the age of an adult and I’ve been taking care of myself since I moved out at 17. I work hard (perhaps too much). But it’s time that I take responsibility of the one person I’ll be with to the end of my days: myself.

First things first. My weight. I’ve had plenty of ups and downs but until 4 years ago I was a steady average weight. I am now 50 pounds heavier. Say wha?

What’s scary is not that I gained the weight of a large dog, but that this puts me in the BMI red zone. And that means I’m technically obese. I don’t feel obese but medically that’s what I am.

I can’t ignore this anymore. This is what I mean about growing up. This year my father was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. This was because of his weight. I don’t want this to happen to me too.

It’s not that I’m saying I’m unhappy, it’s just I don’t feel right in my body. This isn’t the me that I’m used to and I’d like to go back to being me.

This means I have to lose 35 pounds to be back in the healthy zone and my goal is to lose 50.

I remember a colleague of mine once telling me that after you’re 30 you can’t really lose weight so you’re just how you’re gonna be. The truth can’t be further than that.

Look at my dad for instance. He has lost 50 pounds and looks healthier than ever. My mom and stepdad also had a wake up call and have been on an amazing road of healthy eating and exercise. They’ve even started yoga for the first time. I’m so very proud to say my mom lost 45 pounds and my stepdad has lost 60!

It’s hard work. But it’s important. This is the shell I’ve been given to walk around this planet in so I’d better take better care of it.

But it’s not just the outside

In work situations, I’m bold, confident and outgoing. I’m like that with my friends and I’d say in most public situations. But somehow, whenever I’m dating someone I don’t trust my gut.

I’m not going to blame the abusive relationship I got trapped in during my 20s or say this was because I grew up as the mediator in my family where I played middle man and protector more than asking for what I want.

I’m not a kid anymore.

I see the red flags but pretend them away into rainbows and kittens and anything but what they should be: a sign to get the hell out. I’m getting better at walking away but not before I beat myself up about it and question what I did wrong and how I can fix it. If you’ve done all that you could do, you don’t need to expend energy trying to fix something that isn’t there.

My friend Tony said it best: When you’re younger, you’re more maleable to others’ opinions and likes etc. When you’re in your 30s, you don’t care because this is who you are. Love it or leave it.

If someone goes quiet on you, he or she is basically telling you that it’s not working. It’s cowardly, yes. I know I’ve done it before and it’s happened to me (shocking I know). But I don’t want that kind of behavior to shape the rest of my adult life.

So I am going to ask for what I want and if I get BS from a guy at the beginning of a relationship, I’ll walk away. That is when it’s supposed to be the best time - the romantic, lovely, warm and fuzzy time. If you’re already taking third or fourth place, it’s not going to get any better. And we all deserve better.

Why waste your time with the wrong person? We have better things to do than that.

What’s next?

I have an exercise bike winging it’s way to my house, I’ve stocked my fridge full of groceries that are actually fresh and lovely and I start back on running this week. I have a marathon to do in 6 months for Cancer Research UK and I’d rather carry a lighter me over that finish line. I’m also going to try my hand at surfing and hip hop classes with the girls. Eating and drinking don’t have to be the only activities to do with friends!

And just as I’m going to invest in getting back to the healthy me, I’m going to invest time in my personal life as well. Saying yes but also saying no. If it’s not there, it’s not there. And that’s OK.

Why can't it be Art if I make it for an audience

I am an artist. There. I said it. But I also make films and write articles for specific audiences. I told that to someone at a SXSW film drinks and they told me that thinking about an audience meant I wasn’t making art. I’m sure she would have also said if I made money, then that also wasn’t art.

This type of attitude makes me want to tear my hair out. It makes no sense to me why something is more worthy of the title of art if its made for your own selfish whim. I want to make something that has strong female characters, that gives an audience that loves sci-fi another good show, or make a documentary that helps people to not feel alone or persuade people to give more. I want to think - hey, what WOULD 17-25 year old females want to see on TV - and I want to know that I’m making something that someone beyond my mom and my Auntie Sue will like cause they are guaranteed to tell me they like everything I make.

I’m tired of people insisting art isn’t made with an audience in mind. Back in the day, way way back before anyone of were even imagined into being, artists had patrons. Yes - the artists had to be good - but they made their art for someone. Michelangelo didn’t just paint the Sistine chapel’s ceiling on a whim, and Shakespeare did a great job of slanting history to keep the royal money flowing in. Do we call either of them sell outs. No.

I want people to enjoy what I make. To laugh, to learn, to cry, to feel or even just to have a break in their day. And why not. Let’s make more art for the people and not convince ourselves we’re selling out. I think those who do may be afraid that if they actually make something for someone and it isn’t successful, that they can’t fall back in the excuse “I’m just misunderstood.”