On the advice of a friend, I finally decided to read Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In. I felt like it was unnecessary reading but I kept hearing about it so thought I should just read it and get it over with. Well I’m glad I did.
I’ve been super ambitious my whole life and never understood why it mattered if I was male or female. I never really paid much attention to woman’s only groups and mentor programs. I didn’t understand why they were necessary.
But while I was reading Sheryl’s book, I saw myself in her. A lot of myself.
Who’s the boss? I was
As a child, I had a t-shirt that said “I’m the boss” and I took it to heart. Anyone asked me to do something, I’d point to it and say: “I don’t have to. I’m the boss.” This sentiment bled into family gatherings where I made all the kids act in elaborate plays that I would only present to the parents if video taped.
At age 8, my parents divorced and my sister and I moved into welfare housing with my mom. We lived under the poverty line and I grew to hate mechanically processed frozen vegetables. We had them in everything because they were cheap and took a long time to go bad. Blech.
My mom tried to make things seem normal. Cause all of our friends got McDonalds so we got McDonalds too. So on pay day my sister and I would get one happy meal from McDonalds to share. But my mom had her own difficulties. She suffers from Agoraphobia and panic disorder so I did a lot of taking care of my family. I credit her for my sense of responsibility, my boldness, my self sufficiency and my determination. I saw her raising two kids the best she could and trying to go back to school to get a degree. It wasn’t an easy life but it made me who I am.
In grade 6, I wrote, directed and starred in my first play: Goldilocks and the two bears (Papa bear and mama bear were divorced) and I couldn’t fathom why my friend who was a great artist wasn’t interested in making a children’s book with me. I thought a book by two 12 year olds was a great hook for any publisher but she was more interested in playing. Yep. Ambition.
I wanted to do it all
I volunteered, I wrote for the school paper, I ran for student elections (I never won but had great posters), I was in music, choir, and drama. I worked evenings to help pay for school.
At 16, I convinced the Girl Guide Council to let me run a Sparks group (pre-Brownies for 5 year olds) even though you have to be 18 to do it.
At 17, I moved out on my own when I was still in high school with a little help from my dad and two jobs under my belt. After someone drunkenly tore the tendon in my arm, I couldn’t work and found out for the first time what real hunger felt like and the shame of asking to take your friend’s leftovers home.
Governed by debt…and pride
University brought my first credit card and debt and a collection agent. Pride kept me from asking for help until my family found out I was living off of cheap noodles, peanut butter, green onion from an old onion that sprouted and bread cut as thin as I could make it. (FYI peanut butter and spaghetti can never be called “Thai noodles” nor do they taste like them.)
I left theatre school knowing it was causing me to slip into a fog of anti-depressants and alcohol due to a doctor who was a bit over zealous with a prescription pad (a problem which disappeared as soon as I left school) and worked at my first job job: collections agent for a bank.
They offered me a quick managerial route into the banking world. That scared me more than the engagement ring I refused two years earlier and thankfully fate intervened. I won a contest giving me a work permit in England.
Taking a leap into a new world
I said yes. Negotiated when I could go, gave myself time to spend with my family and left on the 31 December with only a backpack full of clothes and two pairs of shoes.
London was home almost immediately. I found a company run by two brothers and convinced them that they needed me. All I needed was a work permit. I told them it was easy even though it wasn’t but thankfully they said yes. So I worked in the day for peanuts and performed at night until I had three books published and travelled to India, Serbia and Ireland performing my work. I also clawed my way out of an abusive relationship unsure of who I was anymore…one day I’ll be brave enough to tell that story.
In 2008, I had my first feature made and went through my first negotiation hell. I thought writing the thing after work and around my masters assignments was hard enough. In the end, I got paid but the director and producer never spoke to me again. My fee? £1000.
In January 2009, I lost my job as did hundreds of other people just as I was granted my residency. I worked odd jobs including teaching 10 year old boys creative writing - it took me 3 hours to get there and 3 hours to get home again.
Finally I got a break. I was being offered a job at PayPal as the face of their new corporate website. I was teaching writing to refugees, writing a poetry book I was losing interest in and writing sales letters and taking whatever other odd job I could take. My friend told me I had to choose - this job path or my creative one. I think the dream of eating regular meals and a steady pay cheque when no one was hiring helped me choose the corporate route.
Entering the corporate world
Creativity did exist there but so did barriers I didn’t think I had before. I’m very straight forward but there were times where if I was, I was asked to take a softer approach or be more polite. I was never rude so this baffled me.
I moved sideways and diagonally through jobs, creeping higher in a career I originally started just to take care of myself. After bouts of having nothing, being able to travel and eat at restaurants and pay my bills is something I really enjoyed.
This didn’t mean I stopped my creative endevours. I started directing short documentaries, made my first web series and got to speak at comic con (may be one of my top 5 achievements ). But that world has most of the same issues as any other career for women. I remember one film night when I was talking about my work, the host asked if my web series was just something I did for fun with some friends. Not one of the male directors was asked that question. I was furious. But after I explained the business model and our success, he didn’t ask another question like that again.
My final job in the UK was the BBC. I loved it. But with job cuts looming I took the chance, and jumped at a job that moved me to New York. I loved living in London but how many chances do you get to move to New York.
New York isn’t all sunshine and lollipops
It was a hellish first year. I made amazing friends but I was struggling. This move was hard. Culture shock was an understatement. And all my boldness and ambition? Isn’t becoming in a woman I was told. It’s not how you get a man. That was news to me. England wasn’t like that. So maybe I don’t want any of those men… But I pushed through and once it felt like New York wasn’t trying to kill me, I had to decide how to move forward and take the reins for the rest of my life.
This is why I decided to move to Social@Ogilvy to be VP, Head of Social Content and Strategy. It’s such a far cry from that girl in army boots and a backpack that moved to England 11 years ago that I almost don’t recognize her. But I deserve it - and me writing that here is the first time I’ve “said” that.
I start in two weeks so I am doing some thinking and making some decisions about moving forward in my life and my career. This includes reading books like Lean In to give me other perspectives.
I looked back at my years in the “corporate” world and have looked at my mistakes and the blocks on my path put there by myself and others. Inappropriate comments and actions from bosses and colleagues that I rose above instead of reporting (which I should have done). I’m as much to blame as others for some of the twists in my path. Reading Sheryl’s book has made me decide that I don’t want to continue in the same way and I have to be more conscious of my way forward. I’m not necessarily saying five year plan but I’m thinking it.
I’m excited to be joining a company that wants me to succeed and encourages growth. So it is up to me to make sure I don’t put my own barriers in the way of that. And I won’t.
I haven’t even finished reading the book and look what it inspired me to write.
So I say this to all of you that feel the same way:
- Go big.
- Ask for what you want.
- Always say yes (unless your gut - not your fear - says no).
- Believe in yourself.
- Say thank you to compliments.
- Compliment others. Everyone needs a boost and if you’re thinking it, you should say it.
- Don’t wait until later to achieve your dreams. Later may never come.
- Take baby steps. They’ll get you to the same place and you’ll have time to see the twists and turns.
- Smile…Sometimes you just got to fake it til you make it.
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