Week three: out of sync

With my late week three post, you can tell I’m out of sync. I’ve tried my first day of traveling and boy that was an eyeopener. Thank goodness I brought a bag of fruit and veggies with me.

As I’m allergic to lettuce (I know its mostly water!) and don’t eat meat, it’s really hard to eat in airports especially when not eating carbs, so the salad I made and all the fruit I brought meant I was totally sorted (and I could use up all the food in the fridge so it didn’t go bad) I didn’t bring enough protein so had to go searching for it.

Now I understand economy and how people want to save by buying in bulk but com’on. I’m in an airport. Even the “healthy” snacks only came in a bag with four servings. I just need one thank you. I finally found a Starbucks with one portion nut packs. Next time I’ll remember to pack my own.

Broken routine

Being away, my whole routine is off especially as I’m in a different time zone. I’m finding it hard to put the full amount of time in that I need for my exercise so I have to find a way to balance that time.

It’s especially important for me to think about routine as I start a new job in a week. I know this is going to be exciting and stressful so I have to give myself time to prep my food and plan my workouts before leaping into a new world of work. So much to think about!

I did get out there and run on Friday - first time in 10 days because my knee was hurting. Still a bit sore but it felt fine after I ran 20 minutes. Glad to be back in the saddle with that so I can get back to prepping for my marathon.

Food wise I’m doing good but I need to start thinking about mixing it up. I end up eating a lot of the same things for convenience but don’t want that to stop me from eating right.

Yep. Week 3 is a bit more challenging but I’m still hanging in there. 30 days to form a habit I’ve heard so I’m nearly there.

PS my mom showed me this weight modeling and helped me make some models of me. There’s “me” on day one, the second one is me now 11.5 pounds lighter (if my mom’s scale is to be trusted, I’m down another 3 pounds) and then the last one is where I’ll be at goal weight. A nice way to see what you’re aiming for.

Looking at my path and leaning in

On the advice of a friend, I finally decided to read Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In. I felt like it was unnecessary reading but I kept hearing about it so thought I should just read it and get it over with. Well I’m glad I did.

I’ve been super ambitious my whole life and never understood why it mattered if I was male or female. I never really paid much attention to woman’s only groups and mentor programs. I didn’t understand why they were necessary.

But while I was reading Sheryl’s book, I saw myself in her. A lot of myself.

Who’s the boss? I was

As a child, I had a t-shirt that said “I’m the boss” and I took it to heart. Anyone asked me to do something, I’d point to it and say: “I don’t have to. I’m the boss.” This sentiment bled into family gatherings where I made all the kids act in elaborate plays that I would only present to the parents if video taped.

At age 8, my parents divorced and my sister and I moved into welfare housing with my mom. We lived under the poverty line and I grew to hate mechanically processed frozen vegetables. We had them in everything because they were cheap and took a long time to go bad. Blech.

My mom tried to make things seem normal. Cause all of our friends got McDonalds so we got McDonalds too. So on pay day my sister and I would get one happy meal from McDonalds to share. But my mom had her own difficulties. She suffers from Agoraphobia and panic disorder so I did a lot of taking care of my family. I credit her for my sense of responsibility, my boldness, my self sufficiency and my determination. I saw her raising two kids the best she could and trying to go back to school to get a degree. It wasn’t an easy life but it made me who I am.

In grade 6, I wrote, directed and starred in my first play: Goldilocks and the two bears (Papa bear and mama bear were divorced) and I couldn’t fathom why my friend who was a great artist wasn’t interested in making a children’s book with me. I thought a book by two 12 year olds was a great hook for any publisher but she was more interested in playing. Yep. Ambition.

I wanted to do it all

I volunteered, I wrote for the school paper, I ran for student elections (I never won but had great posters), I was in music, choir, and drama. I worked evenings to help pay for school.

At 16, I convinced the Girl Guide Council to let me run a Sparks group (pre-Brownies for 5 year olds) even though you have to be 18 to do it.

At 17, I moved out on my own when I was still in high school with a little help from my dad and two jobs under my belt. After someone drunkenly tore the tendon in my arm, I couldn’t work and found out for the first time what real hunger felt like and the shame of asking to take your friend’s leftovers home.

Governed by debt…and pride

University brought my first credit card and debt and a collection agent. Pride kept me from asking for help until my family found out I was living off of cheap noodles, peanut butter, green onion from an old onion that sprouted and bread cut as thin as I could make it. (FYI peanut butter and spaghetti can never be called “Thai noodles” nor do they taste like them.)

I left theatre school knowing it was causing me to slip into a fog of anti-depressants and alcohol due to a doctor who was a bit over zealous with a prescription pad (a problem which disappeared as soon as I left school) and worked at my first job job: collections agent for a bank.

They offered me a quick managerial route into the banking world. That scared me more than the engagement ring I refused two years earlier and thankfully fate intervened. I won a contest giving me a work permit in England.

Taking a leap into a new world

I said yes. Negotiated when I could go, gave myself time to spend with my family and left on the 31 December with only a backpack full of clothes and two pairs of shoes.

London was home almost immediately. I found a company run by two brothers and convinced them that they needed me. All I needed was a work permit. I told them it was easy even though it wasn’t but thankfully they said yes. So I worked in the day for peanuts and performed at night until I had three books published and travelled to India, Serbia and Ireland performing my work. I also clawed my way out of an abusive relationship unsure of who I was anymore…one day I’ll be brave enough to tell that story.

In 2008, I had my first feature made and went through my first negotiation hell. I thought writing the thing after work and around my masters assignments was hard enough. In the end, I got paid but the director and producer never spoke to me again. My fee? £1000.

In January 2009, I lost my job as did hundreds of other people just as I was granted my residency. I worked odd jobs including teaching 10 year old boys creative writing - it took me 3 hours to get there and 3 hours to get home again.

Finally I got a break. I was being offered a job at PayPal as the face of their new corporate website. I was teaching writing to refugees, writing a poetry book I was losing interest in and writing sales letters and taking whatever other odd job I could take. My friend told me I had to choose - this job path or my creative one. I think the dream of eating regular meals and a steady pay cheque when no one was hiring helped me choose the corporate route.

Entering the corporate world

Creativity did exist there but so did barriers I didn’t think I had before. I’m very straight forward but there were times where if I was, I was asked to take a softer approach or be more polite. I was never rude so this baffled me.

I moved sideways and diagonally through jobs, creeping higher in a career I originally started just to take care of myself. After bouts of having nothing, being able to travel and eat at restaurants and pay my bills is something I really enjoyed.

This didn’t mean I stopped my creative endevours. I started directing short documentaries, made my first web series and got to speak at comic con (may be one of my top 5 achievements ). But that world has most of the same issues as any other career for women. I remember one film night when I was talking about my work, the host asked if my web series was just something I did for fun with some friends. Not one of the male directors was asked that question. I was furious. But after I explained the business model and our success, he didn’t ask another question like that again.

My final job in the UK was the BBC. I loved it. But with job cuts looming I took the chance, and jumped at a job that moved me to New York. I loved living in London but how many chances do you get to move to New York.

New York isn’t all sunshine and lollipops

It was a hellish first year. I made amazing friends but I was struggling. This move was hard. Culture shock was an understatement. And all my boldness and ambition? Isn’t becoming in a woman I was told. It’s not how you get a man. That was news to me. England wasn’t like that. So maybe I don’t want any of those men… But I pushed through and once it felt like New York wasn’t trying to kill me, I had to decide how to move forward and take the reins for the rest of my life.

This is why I decided to move to Social@Ogilvy to be VP, Head of Social Content and Strategy. It’s such a far cry from that girl in army boots and a backpack that moved to England 11 years ago that I almost don’t recognize her. But I deserve it - and me writing that here is the first time I’ve “said” that.

I start in two weeks so I am doing some thinking and making some decisions about moving forward in my life and my career. This includes reading books like Lean In to give me other perspectives.

I looked back at my years in the “corporate” world and have looked at my mistakes and the blocks on my path put there by myself and others. Inappropriate comments and actions from bosses and colleagues that I rose above instead of reporting (which I should have done). I’m as much to blame as others for some of the twists in my path. Reading Sheryl’s book has made me decide that I don’t want to continue in the same way and I have to be more conscious of my way forward. I’m not necessarily saying five year plan but I’m thinking it.

I’m excited to be joining a company that wants me to succeed and encourages growth. So it is up to me to make sure I don’t put my own barriers in the way of that. And I won’t.

I haven’t even finished reading the book and look what it inspired me to write.

So I say this to all of you that feel the same way:

• Go big.


• Ask for what you want.


• Always say yes (unless your gut - not your fear - says no).


• Believe in yourself.


• Say thank you to compliments.


• Compliment others. Everyone needs a boost and if you’re thinking it, you should say it.


• Don’t wait until later to achieve your dreams. Later may never come.


• Take baby steps. They’ll get you to the same place and you’ll have time to see the twists and turns.


• Smile…Sometimes you just got to fake it til you make it.

Week 2: A sad, sad week

My friend died Saturday night in his sleep. We hadn’t seen each other properly in years but he’d pop up occasionally on Facebook and I’d think about our vacations together and those nights out in dirty indie clubs when I first moved to England.

No one expected it. He was in his mid-thirties, had no illness that we knew of and poof he’s gone.

I found out Sunday. I think three weeks ago I would have gone to the pub and had a fair number of drinks. When my grandma died when my cousin and I were in Italy, we ate and drank our sadness. It felt like a good idea at the time.

This time I went to my dance class and flailed around to hip hop music. It felt like a much better place to be sad in.

Something strange happens when someone your age dies. For me, it made me feel that I have to stick with this journey to become healthy again but it also reminds me that we could go at any time. I don’t ever want to regret my choices or not go out there and live. Waiting for retirement is not an option.

This week was a little harder food wise. I stuck with it but I find it easier to eat at home then preparing for a whole day out. I need to make up snack packs to carry with me but also need to find time to make them up. I guess it’s about priorities. Eating healthy and getting into those habits needs to be one of them.

Exercise wise I started resistance training (as recommended by Charlene) and it reconfirmed that my arms are indeed baby ones. I know it will take time to be strong and I’ll get there even though I want it to happen now. My exercise bike arrived so I use it to warm up for resistance training and on the morning it was pouring rain. I think this will turn out to be a great investment.

This week I’ve lost another 3 pounds and lost an inch on my waist and an inch on my hips.

I want to give a huge shout out to Marianne who will be running the London marathon this weekend. Two years ago we stood as spectators near tower bridge and, with tears in our eyes, vowed we’d run a marathon and raise money for Cancer Research UK. You see that day, April 17, was the anniversary of my aunt’s death from cancer and Marianne’s dad just had his final all clear. I am so proud of her achievements and can’t wait until we run together on October 12 in the Baltimore Marathon. Here’s a video that explains more about what we’re doing and why:

[vimeo 31936995 w=500 h=281]

Lastly, I know much has been said on this, but my heart goes out to all those at the Boston marathon. Those who have sadly passed, all recovering from the trama of being in the bomb blast, and those brave and wonderful people who stepped in to help. It’s so hard to think someone could do that to all those people who worked so hard to be in that race and those who came to cheer them on.

Yes. It’s been a sad, sad week.

Week one: remember the baby steps

So this week was week one and it wasn’t that bad. OK…maybe that’s an exaggeration. To start it included headaches and sluggishness but now that I’ve hit day seven, I’m feeling pretty good. I was definitely ready for a change.

One thing that really helped was having so much support from my friends and family. A lot of people reached out and it made me feel like I was heading down the right track. So thanks everyone! And special thanks to personal trainer extraordinaire, Charlene, who will be coaching me along the way and will answer my blog posts every Thursday with further advice to keep me on the right track. (See her first post here).

This week I cut out all alcohol, sugar and modern carbs (bread, pasta, etc). I’ll be doing this for six weeks to kick off my weight loss plan. Don’t worry! I’m eating lots of veggies and fruit which are carbs too. I’ve also added a twist which led to the headaches I think. I cut out caffeine as well!

Crazy you may say! But Heather, you love coffee! I know. I know. But instead I have decaf and I love fizzy water.

Speaking of fizzy water…(a slight digression)

To help motivate me on this rather epic journey to the me I want to be, I got some things for the kitchen. A slow cooker, a blender AND a SodaStream! I can make my own fizzy water!

It’s fantastic. I don’t know how well it keeps as I drink it all straight away (and have to pee constantly for hours) but I bought it to motivate me to drink more water and it works for when I’m home. I might need one for the office…

I’ve wanted one since I first saw it in 2009 and I’m so glad I did! It was only $100 from Macy’s and it came with flavours to pour in after you carbonate the water. Here’s a little demo I found on YouTube…

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QRXCLLzU1aM?rel=0&w=560&h=315]

Handling the nights out

As per usual, I’ve been out and about most nights as I have been catching up with friends. BUT I stuck to soda water (looks like vodka soda if anyone is really funny about me not drinking - which hasn’t happened yet, thank goodness) And I’ve chosen pretty well when eating out - all protein and veg or a veggie soup. I also stocked my fridge with snacks and good food. Next trick is to bring a snack pack with me whenever I go out.

Back on the exercise train

I’ve had a three days of training this week. A group of us have started doing Tough Mudder training which is really tough calisthenics to help people prepare for an insane 10 mile run/obstacle course. I can’t do the run as I’ll be doing the Baltimore marathon the week before but I want to get weight training into my routine.

Charlene was right about recommending weight training. I want to get strong and also, for women, resistance training helps with bone density. As my grandmother has osteoporosis this is even more important for me to do.

I also tried out my first hip hop class. I felt like I was in a movie playing the lead who really sucks at first but, with enough practice, will become the star. Queue flailing arms and random kicks and clothes more mom’s aerobic class than street cool. I will be back on Sunday…with better clothes.

Next week I’m adding two more days of weight training (trying out some exercises from Nerd Fitness as recommended by my mate Sketch) and continuing on my running training plan. I just have to be careful I don’t over do it. I’m very all or nothing and will go great guns. That can be good but I don’t want to have unattainable goals or work out so hard that it sets me back for two days…and then three…then four.

In terms of my personal me

I’m attempting to be more to the point. I went on a nice date and finally got rid of the wishy washy man. Unfortunately it wasn’t as to the point as it should have been (Rome wasn’t built in a day). I went around the houses instead of saying of coming straight out with: you’re being an idiot and I’m done with this. But I achieved the same result AND it happened over text so I didn’t have to waste my evening telling him it was over. Yes. Avoiding face to face conflict…but I’m working on it!

I did ask if he had any cute single friends. Hey - you never know unless you ask!

It’s only week one but I feel like I’m moving in the right direction. I didn’t take measurements to start so I can’t report on lost inches but I did lose 4 pounds. I’ll start doing weekly pictures on Sunday to show my results. Not looking forward to taking the first one, but it’s all part of the journey…

Time for a change

I don’t usually have a lot of time to sit down and think. But two weeks in South America with 15 flights under your belt, you can’t help but do that. My friend Joe’s recent post about returning to Soberville also got me thinking about what I was doing with my life.

My conclusion? I have to grow up.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m grown up in lots of ways. I’m the age of an adult and I’ve been taking care of myself since I moved out at 17. I work hard (perhaps too much). But it’s time that I take responsibility of the one person I’ll be with to the end of my days: myself.

First things first. My weight. I’ve had plenty of ups and downs but until 4 years ago I was a steady average weight. I am now 50 pounds heavier. Say wha?

What’s scary is not that I gained the weight of a large dog, but that this puts me in the BMI red zone. And that means I’m technically obese. I don’t feel obese but medically that’s what I am.

I can’t ignore this anymore. This is what I mean about growing up. This year my father was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. This was because of his weight. I don’t want this to happen to me too.

It’s not that I’m saying I’m unhappy, it’s just I don’t feel right in my body. This isn’t the me that I’m used to and I’d like to go back to being me.

This means I have to lose 35 pounds to be back in the healthy zone and my goal is to lose 50.

I remember a colleague of mine once telling me that after you’re 30 you can’t really lose weight so you’re just how you’re gonna be. The truth can’t be further than that.

Look at my dad for instance. He has lost 50 pounds and looks healthier than ever. My mom and stepdad also had a wake up call and have been on an amazing road of healthy eating and exercise. They’ve even started yoga for the first time. I’m so very proud to say my mom lost 45 pounds and my stepdad has lost 60!

It’s hard work. But it’s important. This is the shell I’ve been given to walk around this planet in so I’d better take better care of it.

But it’s not just the outside

In work situations, I’m bold, confident and outgoing. I’m like that with my friends and I’d say in most public situations. But somehow, whenever I’m dating someone I don’t trust my gut.

I’m not going to blame the abusive relationship I got trapped in during my 20s or say this was because I grew up as the mediator in my family where I played middle man and protector more than asking for what I want.

I’m not a kid anymore.

I see the red flags but pretend them away into rainbows and kittens and anything but what they should be: a sign to get the hell out. I’m getting better at walking away but not before I beat myself up about it and question what I did wrong and how I can fix it. If you’ve done all that you could do, you don’t need to expend energy trying to fix something that isn’t there.

My friend Tony said it best: When you’re younger, you’re more maleable to others’ opinions and likes etc. When you’re in your 30s, you don’t care because this is who you are. Love it or leave it.

If someone goes quiet on you, he or she is basically telling you that it’s not working. It’s cowardly, yes. I know I’ve done it before and it’s happened to me (shocking I know). But I don’t want that kind of behavior to shape the rest of my adult life.

So I am going to ask for what I want and if I get BS from a guy at the beginning of a relationship, I’ll walk away. That is when it’s supposed to be the best time - the romantic, lovely, warm and fuzzy time. If you’re already taking third or fourth place, it’s not going to get any better. And we all deserve better.

Why waste your time with the wrong person? We have better things to do than that.

What’s next?

I have an exercise bike winging it’s way to my house, I’ve stocked my fridge full of groceries that are actually fresh and lovely and I start back on running this week. I have a marathon to do in 6 months for Cancer Research UK and I’d rather carry a lighter me over that finish line. I’m also going to try my hand at surfing and hip hop classes with the girls. Eating and drinking don’t have to be the only activities to do with friends!

And just as I’m going to invest in getting back to the healthy me, I’m going to invest time in my personal life as well. Saying yes but also saying no. If it’s not there, it’s not there. And that’s OK.