We have nothing to fear

I’ve been thinking a lot lately. About stuff. Ya know - what I’m going to do with the rest of my life after I’m done with - ahem - school - stuff like that. Right now the ugliest monster in my closet has to be my STUDENT LOAN. So evil it has to go in capitals. Now I know what you’re thinking…why in the hell am I thinking about student loans while I’m still a student? Well number one… they scare the hell out of me; number two - they scare the hell out of me; number three - look, I could go on and on.

The thing is, I never thought about it before. Never. Not once. And I mean that - no loan talk ever filled the vacuous space between my ears. Now I’m a semester (and a bit) away from the end and what can I look forward to? Twenty -eight thousand in debts escalating at an annual rate of prime +2.5 % (which will end up being the price of a small country when I’m done) AND a lovely official piece of paper that will keep me warm for about 30 seconds upon being burnt in my garbage can in the middle of winter after they’ve cut off my hydro. Well, well, well. No guarantees. No stability. Just student loans.

I tend to get pissed off about student loans a lot. Now those of you who have one will know about this stuff. Or maybe not. Now for the first time in four years when applying for these beasts of burden, students have to submit their parent’s income. This gets calculated for or against you. I’m really ‘lucky.’ My parents are dirt poor. Macaroni has always been a staple in our house. Yep - I’ve never had liver, or meatloaf, or brussel sprouts. We couldn’t afford it. So incidentally I get a fucking huge loan to compensate. I’m like a fat kid in the candy shop - and I can say that because I know what it’s like - I used to be that darn kid who terrorized all the local corner shops. Budget? What’s that? I’ve got 5,000 dollars! Let’s rip shit up! I’m proud to say that I did not immediately go to my nearest Honda dealership and put a down payment on some death trap but then again I’m not sure how I spent it all. Money in the bank Monday…gone Tuesday or Wednesday if I’m lucky.

But I did need the money. And I haven’t lived at home since I was 17…AND I still had to include my parent’s income for four years past graduation from high school. What a load of shit. I don’t even live with them. And what if we were estranged? Then I wouldn’t get it at all. Arghh! Policy. I felt bad for those who couldn’t get a loan because of their parents. This is not fair. They are considered adults by law - voting, drinking, buying lottery tickets - yet they can’t get a student loan without their parents involved and it’s not even them, it’s their money. My mom filled out one line and signed it. What about those kids who live in the poverty of middle classes. Sure it looks like their parents make a lot of money but after mortgages, car payments, etc, etc., there is no money left. No hard cash to support their child going to school especially if it’s in a different city. I mean the costs are enormous. This happened to a friend of mine. He got accepted into a school in Calgary but he couldn’t get a loan because his parents made too much. Now? Now he’s doing graveyard construction work. Mmmmm…mmmmm tar. Does the body good.

Fine. I understand the system is in place to help those poor schmucks who can’t afford school (or a brand new car…) on their own. But none of the ramifications are pushed home until AFTER you’re done your 2, or 3, or 7 years of school.

Student- Ahem…hi. I was wondering what program I should be in?

Councillor- Well, what are you interested in?

Student- Um…I live movies and art history. Maybe English…but not really.

Councillor- Great! Then you’d love our 5 year combined art and film studies degree. Just sign here. We’ll make sure your class schedule won’t accommodate any kind of job that’s over $3 / hour. But don’t worry. At the end of the 5 years, you’ll be analyzing how the colour of a Wendy’s wrapper affects the consumer as you flip burgers and talk about the latest Scream movie with your 16…year…old supervisor. After that, you can look forward to bussing 3 hours to the office buildings you clean on the graveyard shift and 3 hours back. Then you’ll be home in time to drop off your 6 kids at school/ day…care/ mom’s house (if you’re lucky but don’t count on it) and argue for an hour or two with your significant other before getting your average hour and a half of sleep. Maybe in fifteen years you’ll have paid off your student loan as long as you don’t forfeit or miss a payment. If you do, you’ll be marked as the credit bureau and have ‘bad credit’ - an R9 in creditor speak and will be unable to get a loan or credit card for at least 6 years or so. Congratulations…this is the rest of our life.

Student- Uh…thanks.

Why don’t they just say ‘do you realize that in this profession you will be paying X number of dollars in student loans per month when you’re finished?’ Or even tell you what with this amount of student loans, you will be paying this amount of money? I will have to pay student loan payments of five hundred dollars for the next 9 and a half years of my life. Unless I marry a prince, that ain’t gonna happen. I could always break my back in a ‘fall’ and get my loans forgiven but I don’t feel like being paralyzed for life. There are a lot of programs to help you with your loans. That’s great but once they’re done, they’re done. And if those programs don’t apply to your situation, then too bad for you. Your loans will be forwarded up the chain until you are sent to a creditor and the loan is written off. And I thought about filing for bankruptcy…Oh, sorry. Out of luck. You can’t file for ten years to clear your loan from creditors AKA the entire life of your loan. Great. Just great. Now aren’t you glad you’re in school? I sure am…

A Shakespearean Twist

John: And so I am for Peter.
Peter: And so I am for Tony.
Tony: And so I am for Michael.
Mike: And so I am for no woman…

Four gay men in a new version of As You Like it - I saw it in my friend’s apartment last night. Each one confided to me in the smallest of whispers in that tiny bachelor suite. It was an intricate dance tapped out on webs of crystal sugared lines. I watched as each man threw himself at his intended who was too busy to notice - he was looking the other way and throwing himself at another man who was too busy to notice - he was looking the other way and throwing himself at…you get what I mean.

Since this very same scenario was happening over 500 years ago (it was in the aforementioned play if you recall), I could say this is part of human nature. So what is love? Is it that sometimes you end up turning and off…guard, find some person in your arms? Then what do you do? Most often? Most often you drop them. It seems to be a personal policy that if you originally didn’t throw yourself at that person, you don’t want it. It’s inconceivable. A simple adage could be-

I like Fred.
John likes me.
Betwixt the three,
we will never agree.

Or in simple everyday English- The person I want never wants me. And the person who falls for me, I never like. How do marriages come about? Go look at Shakespeare - the writer who has captured universal humanity. The immortal bard. Either the couple die (tragedies) or they get married through compromise, trickery or convenience (comedies).

Yep. Nothing ever changes.

So how many times is it purely love? I.e. ‘I can’t live without you.’ Or ‘I would rather cut my heart out than live without seeing your face.’ How often does that happen? And do both parties have that same feeling? Take Romeo and Juliet for example. I’m sure if they actually stick it out past their fourteenth birthdays, got married and started to raise a family that it wouldn’t have worked out. There they are trapped in Exile. Juliet has 10 snot…faced kids and has gained 150 pounds. Her days are filled with fantasies about what it would have been like if she had married the wealthy, Verona…residing Paris instead. Meanwhile, Romeo works a shit labour job during the day, has a beer gut and drinks too much. When he’s not watching TV or complaining, he’s checking out the emancipated foreign chick that lives next door.

OK. I sound pretty damn cynical but I’m not really. When it all boils down to it, I still believe in true love. The kind that comes out of honesty, courage and respect. What I do think, is that too many people spend huge parts of their lives in relationships for the wrong reasons. It happened to my parents. It’s happened to my friend’s parents. God, it happens to my friends. No wonder wives cheat and husbands wake up one day wanting out.

The thing is most people don’t know who they really are. You gotta love yourself, know yourself first and then share that. Love is not hot sticky wetness at the back of the bar. It’s definitely a great bonus but not the first thing to consider. I look at the relationships I’ve been in (or wanted to be in) and realize that most of them aren’t based on knowing the person. They’re based on the idea of love or the attraction or the…whatever. How do they end? I wake up one day and realize that person is not what I want.

So hide your daughters people. Lock up your sons. Teach them to love themselves and only when they’re ready, let them out.

No that’s not it. There has to be something better than that.

Oh yes - be who you are and the rest will follow.