A little reflection

This is my first Christmas home in 4 years. The last time I was here my aunt was dying and little did I know, that would be the last time I saw her. It was also the thing that kept me from coming home again. How would it be the same without her here.

So last September I came for a film festival and had a couple cries but made it through. Now it’s Christmas. I moaned about the cost and time it took to come home and I wondered if it would really be worth it even though I knew it would. Even though I needed to have some time for myself.

When you’re so far away in another country, with another life, you think nothing will change. My last post talked about how things change. But it doesn’t talk about how people won’t always be there.

Yes. My aunt died. And it still hurts sometimes to think about it. But I still have grandparents and cousins and aunts and uncles and siblings here. My grandpa said to me “Look I’m still alive” as if that was a surprise. He’s turning 90 this year. It my mind he’s still in his 70s and he’s going to be here forever. But he won’t. My grandma said that she never imagined herself the way she is now, to be old. And my other grandma asked if I’d ever imagine her in a home as I helped her walk to the car. She needs a cane now and meds 4 times a day. I never thought that my years away would give me less years with them. But it has.

I’ve been reflecting. The last 2 years my life is somewhere completely different. I work in social media and though it is a right fit in so many ways, it’s very easy for a workaholic like me to let it take over my life. There’s always something to do and someone to help and someone to talk to. The company I work for becomes my life blood. But when I’m talking to strangers who need help (let’s say) activating a sim card, I’m forgetting my friends and family. I barely answer emails, I’m no longer writing and I’m never off. My brain is tired.

This year is the year of internal communications. Just as you need to communicate with your boss and co-workers, you need to do the same with the other people in your life. It’s coffees with friends, the weekly phone call with my sister, the regular emails to my grandparents even if it’s one line saying everything is OK. I always feel like I need to make it grandiose and then I put it off until it’s never done. Or I think I can do one more thing for someone even though that means I leave no time for me or try to do 5 things in one day instead of being satisfied with one coffee and curling up with a book.

It’s the year of reflection and the year of slowing down. The year of being there and the year of taking time out. And it’s the year of telling people about it and reconnecting and being open. It’s the year of saying how I feel and being OK with that. It’s the year of remembering people aren’t mind readers - they don’t know what I’m thinking. I have to actually tell them. It’s the year of saying something that means something instead of just saying something.

It’s the year of internal communications. And I might even blog about it. There’s all kinds of communicating going on here.